Tag Archives: #iammydepression #lonerunner #musicinmymind

It’s Okay To BE “Lone”…Why My Depressive Brain Keeps Me Company

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So, I run a majority of my running season with my Priority Health Run Camp Run Group (SHOUTOUT!!!!!!). We meet every Wednesday evening and Saturday morning for training runs to train for whatever it is we are training for next. There are the “speedies” (which is not me) and the ones that “get it done” (which is where I like to place myself), and everyone in between. EVERYONE in the group (and it is a pretty large group) is fantabulous (even though I have not ever really met all of us). And the groupings are fun. I admire those that can run and pace each other and chitty-chat along the way. Pace groups that can work together and get to know each other. But, honestly, that is just not me.

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My group knows, (well, most of them) that I am one that eventually just breaks off on to my own. I become “lone”. I got me, my working feets, and my music. But, believe it or not, I have all kinds of conversation…………with myself. Now I know that a lot of us may experience our brain telling us, “you can just walk, now”, or “It’s okay to just stop. You did a lot already”. And my brain does that, too. But my brain also tells me things like, “You know you can’t really do any better than you have already done, right?” or, “Is there a reason you keep trying to crush goals you know you cannot get any where near?”. Yeah, sometimes, my brain is a shithead. Literally. But I use the time that I am running alone to work up the ability to stand up, not only FOR myself, but TO myself. And there are bad days still. Days where I do just stop. Days where I do look at my goals and think, “yeah….not sure what I was totally thinking here…..no way this is EVER going to happen.” And plans change. Goals change. And that is okay. But I change them. ME. Not my challenging shithead brain.

So, if you are in run camp with me and see me running along yelling at no one, just know it is for good reason. Because we can all be our own worst enemies. And my second-guessing, depressive peeking, shithead brain is getting a beat down.

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Much Love. Keep Runnng!

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