Tag Archives: #depressionsucks

The Good, The Bad And The…….

 

We all have good days and bad days. Hell, we all have good weeks and bad weeks. And I know what constitutes “good” and “bad” is relative to each individual person. And sometimes, we may feel that dwelling on our “bad” is not appropriate given the “bad” that some around us are experiencing. But hey, that does not mean the “bad” for you is not just that…….”bad”.

Luckily, for me, I can feel my emotional “bad” days coming. Sometimes, I have no idea how they come into my brain. Sometimes I do. On occasion I swear it is because my medication is playing a funny little placebo joke on me. You see, when I have a “bad” day that I cannot explain, my whole mood changes. My body, my mannerisms, my speech, everything. Most of the time I am at least nice enough to give those around me (usually my co-workers) a heads up. “Hey, guys, just so you know, today is not a good day”. I am sad. I want to cry at everything. Like the time my pen ran out of ink. I mean, I have like 2500 ink pens in my office. But that pen….THAT pen I loved. Silly, I know.

The sadness breeds thoughts of what I hate about myself. Things I have done. Things I have not done. Where I am in life. Where I wanted to be in life by now. Did I make the right decisions about my life? What if I had done this instead of that? Or that instead of this? Sometimes it brings enough for me to think about running away. Starting over. Maybe even not even finishing.

I am always very open with my counselor about my past, and occasionally current, thoughts of suicide. The plan. It is pretty detailed. Not that I do not care for those in my life, but they would all be okay. Because in my mind there is not much that I have contributed to their lives and well-being. But my furkids would not understand.

Sometimes I wonder whether or not I am the right person for the job that I do. How can I, as messed up as I am, be someone who can appropriately counsel people that suffer in ways I am not familiar with. Sure, I know of addiction. I grew up with it. And I am a pretty smart cookie. But alcohol addiction is not a personal experience for me. And some of the people I work with are just not smart. They do not know if they have a problem. Some don’t even care if they do. And hey, more power to ya, but that’s on you if you drink and drive again. But, knowing that we are all broken in some way or another, maybe even my hot mess self can contribute to the lives of these people. Misery loves company….and I am pretty fun to be around.

Sometimes the “bad” day lasts a few hours. Sometimes days. I am working on bringing myself out of the hole when it happens. See more clearly what I have accomplished in my life. See that yes, there were some life detours, but they were most likely meant to be. See that, occasionally, the people that have come into my life most recently, or even comeback into my life again, hold a special place in my heart and life. Those that needed to leave, never deserved to be in that spot in the first place. That even if I do not speak to some as often as before, I think of them daily and send “Andrea posi-vibes”.

So there will be peaks and valleys with my depression. And it is quick and easy to ride that valley down. And it is a struggle to climb back up. But I am getting quicker and quicker at hitting the top of that peak Every.Single.Day!

 

 

Much Love!

Bettering Myself for Myself

When one suffers from depression and anxiety as I do…..thoughts can sometimes be your enemy. I have always been so concerned with the wellbeing of those around me. Many times so much so that I do not care for myself. And showing care and concern for others is not a bad thing, but I have always been told that if I don’t care for myself, who will show that care and concern for others?

I have never been one to shy away from discussing my thoughts of suicide in the past. Those thoughts generally set aside because of my furkids. They are the one thing I could not have a guarantee on care if I was gone. Also, part of the reason I always have pets around. Even though they always drive me crazy, I love them to death.

And things have gotten better since I discovered the joy of my running family and what I gain from everything within that. But there are still days. There are still thoughts. There are still cuts. There are still scars. There are still tears. I still have anger and hatred. I still don’t understand many times. But the important thing is that I am working through all those rough memories and times. And some people are needed to help get me through. Some people are not needed. But I am trying to make sure I am using all of myself to better myself.

You, Yourself, Are No Longer

The thing about depression is that sometimes, in your own head, you turn on yourself. I still struggle with this. I still struggle with the mini that is in my mind that tries to make me question me intents. My worth. My capabilities. But this mini voice is something that keeps me on my toes and allows me to challenge myself. Writing helps me get some of this out of my head and allows me to re-read and remember these times. Because these times have made me. Have changed me. These sad and scary times are, in fact, me.

 

You, Yourself, Are No Longer

There are times when I shut myself up in a cold dark room
The world revolving without the need of me
But what blankets me in it’s falsifying warmth is the gloom
Feeling it fitting to light a match and melt the key

I am unneeded
I am unwanted
I am lacking in effort
I am haunted

Steer clear, my friend as I will absorb you
Pull you in with the glorious mask on my face
You surprisingly look at me and whisper, “who knew”
I smirk at you and respond, “welcome to this dark space”

I need you to feel my pain
I want everyone to see this thick, red, sticky paint
It will encompass you and take over your brain
It is okay….everyone faints

At the sight
At the smell
At the thoughts and memories that fade

You will be forever be changed when I take you
I lied to you and made promises
I covered your face and told you death was coming
I gleefully smiled at your pain and fear

It job is done as are you
You are different now and remember less of your former
The happiness fades and turns to blue
You, yourself, are no longer