When one suffers from depression and anxiety as I do…..thoughts can sometimes be your enemy. I have always been so concerned with the wellbeing of those around me. Many times so much so that I do not care for myself. And showing care and concern for others is not a bad thing, but I have always been told that if I don’t care for myself, who will show that care and concern for others?
I have never been one to shy away from discussing my thoughts of suicide in the past. Those thoughts generally set aside because of my furkids. They are the one thing I could not have a guarantee on care if I was gone. Also, part of the reason I always have pets around. Even though they always drive me crazy, I love them to death.
And things have gotten better since I discovered the joy of my running family and what I gain from everything within that. But there are still days. There are still thoughts. There are still cuts. There are still scars. There are still tears. I still have anger and hatred. I still don’t understand many times. But the important thing is that I am working through all those rough memories and times. And some people are needed to help get me through. Some people are not needed. But I am trying to make sure I am using all of myself to better myself.
The thing about depression is that sometimes, in your own head, you turn on yourself. I still struggle with this. I still struggle with the mini that is in my mind that tries to make me question me intents. My worth. My capabilities. But this mini voice is something that keeps me on my toes and allows me to challenge myself. Writing helps me get some of this out of my head and allows me to re-read and remember these times. Because these times have made me. Have changed me. These sad and scary times are, in fact, me.
You, Yourself, Are No Longer
There are times when I shut myself up in a cold dark room
The world revolving without the need of me
But what blankets me in it’s falsifying warmth is the gloom
Feeling it fitting to light a match and melt the key
I am unneeded
I am unwanted
I am lacking in effort
I am haunted
Steer clear, my friend as I will absorb you
Pull you in with the glorious mask on my face
You surprisingly look at me and whisper, “who knew”
I smirk at you and respond, “welcome to this dark space”
I need you to feel my pain
I want everyone to see this thick, red, sticky paint
It will encompass you and take over your brain
It is okay….everyone faints
At the sight
At the smell
At the thoughts and memories that fade
You will be forever be changed when I take you
I lied to you and made promises
I covered your face and told you death was coming
I gleefully smiled at your pain and fear
It job is done as are you
You are different now and remember less of your former
The happiness fades and turns to blue
You, yourself, are no longer