Many of you who know me well know that I am a very sarcastic, pessimistic person. “Always prepare for the worst……”. I had a psychiatrist describe me one time as a “catastrophizer”. I remember feeling so much more calm that there was a word for my weird and anxious mind.
Lately, however, I am just confused. It is an odd confusion. Like I am trying to find my place within myself but can’t without breaking into pieces of a puzzle. I have good days, but they are few and far between. I have bad days that are most often where my mind sits.
“Am I doing a good job with my clients? If so, why do they fail? Had I missed something? Why didn’t they ask for help? Maybe they did and I just brushed it off.”
“This week there is one day where I can go home after work. Monday, gym, work, derby. Tuesday, gym, work, FAN meeting, Wednesday, gym, work, derby. Thursday, gym, work (court), home. Friday, gym, work (court)…………” By Friday I just don’t know what to do, really. I feel very busy in the most not busy way. I feel frustrated. Overwhelmed.
I think it takes me until Sunday to even get used to being home. Not to say that I am not home, or that I do not take care of the fur kids, but it just feels odd being home. By Sunday there is all the things to do that I should have been doing on Saturday. But I have derby on Sunday mornings and then after I feel like resting.
I am tired in the most awake way. I am mean and rude in the most happy way. But a lot of the time it is like I can hear what I am saying but cannot stop it or change it. I feel like I am “Jonesy” from Stephen King’s Dreamcatcher. There is all of this stuff in my head and all I do is move it around to fit things the best I can. Like a puzzle. I know what I need. What I want. What to say. I just cannot find it. I am not sure any of it is even there anymore…………