The Ups and Downs of……..Me

How does one stop overwhelming themselves to the point of what seems like exhaustion when they are used to……….doing just that.

I do not sleep much at all. I am up. I am down. My brain is like the traffic in congested cities like Delhi or Bangladesh. There is honking, yelling, stopping, starting, slow, fast. And I can go and go and go like this until I crash. That usually culminates in me either sleeping for 2 days straight, or, more likely, getting sick.

How does one take care of themselves when they feel like doing that very thing is a miscarriage of what they can do otherwise. Clean, work, workout, get daily like requirements completed, shopping, cooking, and so on.

One of my most common statements out loud is, “so……I may have bit off more than I could chew here…..” (Yes, Melissa, I can hear you laughing in a shocking manner. LOL).

Do I generally perform better under pressure? Yes. Do I know how to do just as well when it is not at a level of 1000 every time? I honestly do not think so.

There are so many things that I do within my life that help keep my depression at a level of handle-able. Working out, staying active, racing, triathlons…….adding those into my daily life complicates my daily life. My depression complicates my daily life.


I have never been one to hide the fact that my depression has taken me to some fairly dark places. It seems horrible to some people to hear that, regardless of how they see me and how I act, I have a suicide plan in place. I know how. I know how to make sure all of my affairs are in order. Who will take care of the fur kids. How my finances will be handled.


Many people only see, especially in the wake of deaths of prominent individuals such as Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, the selfishness that is within individuals whom take their own life. It is hard for outsiders to see that we do not see it as selfish. We see it as relieving. We see it as helpful. You see, what we are offering those around us no longer provides sustenance to them. Our participation in life is stagnant. It is not like we do not care for those whom we will be leaving. We simply care too much to continue to be a place marker in life.

Medications help. Therapy helps. Sometimes, however, I feel like such a drain on people when I am in my dark places that continuing to talk more about it only make me feel as if I am more of a problem.

Please understand that many of us know we have people to talk to. We know that there are helplines. Talking with loved ones and friends, however, can just continue to make us feel as if we just continue to take up time that those individuals do not have. We hear you say that you are there. We hear you say that we are not a problem. But our brains tells us otherwise.

My brain tells me that I am fine and do not need medication.

My brain tells me that I make everyone around me worry too much and that it would be easier to no longer make them worry.

My brain tells me whatever I do, no matter how hard I work, I am simply…..not enough. And I never will be.


Depression makes people loose any innocence that they still had within their lives. It hijacks our thoughts and replicates like a virus until we know no different than before being infected. It makes me hate myself for all of the things I cannot do for people. It makes me feel as if I am a perpetual failure and I will never, no matter how hard I work, live up to any expectation that those around me have. It tells me that everyone lies to make me think I am worthy, but the fact is, they just want me to get out of the way.

Yes, I know these are not accurate thoughts. Yes, I know this seems crazy to many of you. But please understand……my brain tells me otherwise.


It has been……..a time.

Good evening. First off, let me apologize for the fact that I have not been active with my blog. Super long stories are some reasons, but the fact of the matter is, I put it on the backburner in order to do other things that are simply, not working out. So I am getting back to the beginning.

My job has taken off with more and different levels of stress. With that, and in an effort to make sure that I do not engulf myself too much in my clients’ emotional struggles, I decided to add some things into my life.

Roller derby…, but the fact is, I was too afraid of hurting myself and not being able to race or participate in triathlons. So with that I decided to help out the local organization in another way and become what is called a “non-skating official”. So, I get to see the action, work some stats, and not get hurt 🙂

My weight training went by the wayside once I started kickboxing. Now THIS is where it is at. Stress relief, sweat session, aggression clearing. It is simply phenomenal. But, the super increase in cardio has decreased my strength training. This will be my next work in progress.

The biggest change was my decision to start working with a triathlon event organization in setting up races, working races, tearing down races and working with people. Now, those of you who know me know that I am not really the biggest people person. On day one I clashed with many people. Enough to make me second guess my decision. But I thought I would give it another try. The second event was much better. But when you don’t sleep for 40 hours, and log approximately 25 miles of steps in one day……….it makes me question a lot about myself ad my abilities.

Today I participated in my 3rd year of the Grand Rapids Triathlon. I had not really trained. I had a new-to-me bike. The swim was difficult, and made me question whether or not duathlons were my thing and not having to do the swim. However, in the end, I realized I need to focus on training. I need to separate myself from work and train, not work more. Would free races have been nice? yep. But how well would I perform if I was either racing one weekend or working another weekend?

Being away from home for 3-4 days at a crack. Sleeping in unfamiliar and uncomfortable places. worrying more about more while I am away than I worry about when I am home. I am not one to commit to things, then back out. However, I have decided to back out. I simply cannot continue to take time off work to…… in a differently stressful environment. It is not a question of whether or not I can hack it, because I can. I simply do not want to and have made the wrong decision in doing so.

On top of all of that there is school for my master’s, still as well. My program at work to be certified and scrutinized by the state. My own counseling to maintain my……life. Family that has been all but pushed by the wayside. The fur crew that sees me less and less and then stares at me with angry eyes that I leave them more and more with the hubs……(he is just not as fun!).

Next week starts a revamping of my life. In an effort to focus more on myself, I chose to focus on other things. My effort failed. However, it did teach me that I cannot fill “holes” the I create in my life every simple time. It is okay to not have anything planned. It is okay to not have to get off the couch in the morning on a rainy weekend. It is okay to not have to always prove myself to other people. I only need to be honest with myself and prove me to………me.

So here’s to everyone trying to figure themselves out. Come join me, will you? Because focusing on me is something I have been trying to not do for many years. Seems fitting that my year of 40 be the one I actually grow up and do me for me.

Much love to you all………you will hear from me more and more.