Category Archives: July 2016

I Love The Way I Really Fucking Hate You

I never really saw you coming. But before I know it, you had invaded me. Tears. So many tears. For the reasons that deserved them, absolutely. But I thought I was strong. I thought I could handle things. I mean, I had been through worse. But I suppose eventually it was going to be too much. There was guilt. So much guilt. That is what you were there to remind me of. That guilt. You wanted to make sure I never let it go. It was part of me, and I was part of it. Forever. No matter how much I wanted to cut it loose.

I made the decisions that brought you to me. I created the situations that opened up the guilt flood gates. I was careless. I was selfish. I was soulless. I still am. If I had only known it would have lasted, I never would have gone through with it. If only I had learned from the first time. Or the second. If only I had just done what was right.

But the fact is, I did. I did what was right for me. Yeah, the guilt has sewn itself into my skin. It has made itself home within me. Not that it needs to, the memories of those actions are enough. But it is there to stay. Part of me forever. That constant little reminder of what it was like for someone like me to make the toughest decision ever. Three times. And it didn’t get easier after the first. And it didn’t get easier after the second. But is does get easier every day since. But ever day since is also a thought of it. However fleeting it is. The thought of how different things could be. Better? Maybe. Worse? Probably. But you would still be here. In some way, shape or form.

So I will finally concede to you and welcome you. Yeah, keep reminding me. Keep popping up and giving me those really bad days. Keep reminding me to look at those scars on my wrist. Keep your presence known. Because no matter how much I hate you….and I really do hate you……I would not change the fact that I have you in my being. You have helped make me what I am. You have helped me garner strength and resilience. You pull me down when I get too high. And for all that pain, suffering and growth, I thank you.

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A Beautiful Disaster

You are my nemesis
My hatred
The soul crushing end
With you in my life I am saddened
You make me feel lessened
You broke me to the point of catastrophe
Yet bring me back to the point of bliss
You make me believe I am worthy
Before letting me know I am worthless
You use me for when you need to feel better
Because bringing me down simply builds you up

But I will not release you totally
I will allow you to do these things when needed
I know you need to make yourself known
I realize you need to feel good about what you do
You are forever a part of me
I will not completely shut you out

But let’s get something straight
I am now calling the shots
You will get your feels when I say so
It may be by accident that I let things slip through
But it will happen
For you
So take what I give you and run
Get the most out of it because who knows how long it will last
But it is when I say

For years I allowed you to rule me
For years I allowed you to mold me
You had to see this coming
You had to know I would stand up
But I will not dismiss you
Because I am me because of you

✰ ☆ ★ Beautifully broken and tattered ✰ ☆ ★

There is a weird pleasure in loving someone who doesn’t love you
But sometimes the most beautiful people are those that are beautifully broken
But one thing I have learned from all of this
The one thing that you never expected from me
I have learned that I must learn to love myself first
You tried to keep me just low enough to not realize this
But know that I am forever working on it
I will find the appropriate end
But I will not let you go no matter how much you beg
Because without you I would have never been me

Know this
I am not beautiful like you
I am beautiful like me
Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places
Because I am imperfect, permanently
I am inevitably flawed

I am a beautiful disaster.

The Times I Stand Up To You

There are times when it comes
Blackness
Darkness
It is thick and unfocusing
I wonder how I got here
I did everything to keep you at bay

“Ah, you sneaky bastard. You squeezed through somehow again”.

I take note of the day
The time
My prior surroundings

“Okay….do what you gotta do. Just get this shit over with quick.”

I choose to sit rather than stand.
It is better that way
Less chance of being taken by surprise of it all again
Lessons learned from before for sure
My thoughts fade
My memories of it all come into play

“Why the fuck can’t I get away from you? Why can’t you just get the fuck out of my head?”

sigh
I lay back
Stretch out
Find as much comfort in the darkness as I can
The difficult part is trying to not release so much of myself that you take it from me

“No. I have given you enough. You cannot have more. There are others that need me more than you. Others that respect me. Others that care for me. Others that love me.

And even if there was no one else, I have me. You cannot break me again”.

I think about how I missed all the signs
I think about what it was about you that made me change myself when I said I would never do it
I think about all those around me who clued me in to the obviousness that I brushed away because I thought that I was worth nothing more than, well, you

And you were good

You were really fucking good at making me think that
So good that I sometimes wonder still if I am worth more than the limited affection you showed me in return for the immense attention I provided you

I laugh at it all

I cry at it all

I am ashamed at so much of it all

I feel sorry for you

I feel sorry that I gave you so much and it was not enough

I feel sorry that I made you so fucking unhappy when I tried so much fucking harder than you ever did

I’m sorry
I’m sorry that I wasted it all
I’m sorry that you will never see what you did as wrong and hurtful

I’M FUCKING SORRY THAT YOU NEVER FUCKING SAW ME!

“You done in my head, yet, fucker? Cause I got shit to do. You need more? Cause you can try all you want, I am not going to give you shit. And believe me, others have tried. They ain’t getting shit from me either”.

I laugh…..
whisper “this is pathetic”
scream “YOU.ARE.PATHETIC!”

“Let me tell you something. Strength in the mind of someone who shows as much fake confidence as you do doesn’t really mean shit. Me right now, I know what’s up. I get me in the small amount of time that you never even tried. So yeah…..I am fucking happy. No matter how much you wanna creep these “you are not worth it all” thoughts in my head….I am there for myself more than you ever fucking were”.

I sit up
I stand up
I am standing up
Hands out

“What else you got?”

I turn my head
I focus my eyes
I see the open door

softly under my breath “yeah”.

I turn and walk away

A Conversation With My Depression

I see you there
I can feel you behind me
In the back of my head
I can feel your smirk
Hear the low, deep laughter
I saw you coming
I simply thought I was stronger

(whispers and laughs) but you were not, obviously

So have your way and do as you wish
Make me emotionless
Watch me be weakened

I stare at the blank wall
I can see the sun on the window reflection
I feel unwilling to even try
I feel unwanted at every turn

(whispers) you are worthless in every moment. no one really cares about you

I will not fight you today
I will listen to the things you say
I will let you take my breath away
I will let you treat me like prey

There is no point anymore in fighting
I sometimes wonder if crimson is my color
You trick me into thinking of trying
You have succeeded in the past
But I do not know if I am as strong now as I was then

(whispers) you….. are…… not……

You left me with the scars and marks from the past
I look at them everyday
I feel them every minute
I want to be stronger then you
But I fear you are tearing me down more and more

(whispers) it’s ok to want to give in and end it all, you know. I can help you

But there are things that I need to take care of
There are people I would miss
There are places I have ever been
There are actions I do not want to dismiss

But something always brings me back to you
The reminder that you will always be there

(hisses) yeeesssssssss

And even though I know you are coming
For some reason it is like I do not care

It is like a scene from a horror movie
When the perfect sunny day is overtaken by the brewing storm
The world stands and watches it happen
People looking as the darkness takes form

I hate you more then I could ever imagine
I know why you come and go
I remember the reasons of why you happen
The worst actions that I had ever known
But I can’t ever change the things I did

(whispers) but you can succumb to the feelings of them. quickly. I can show you

It haunts me on a daily basis
I do not need you to remind me
I’ve tried to release it in the lines that bleed
I’ve tried to numb it with the pills that get filled
I know it will always be there
I know you will never let me get away

(whispers) I am attached to you for always

I never realized how empty I was within
I never thought of it all as such a sin
I will always question what was done back then
But changing it is not possible
For the time being I will let go and let you in
I will let you drown me in the memories of what was then
Because without then I would not be here now

(whispers) but I will always be here for you. wherever you are ready

I know
sigh
I, uh…….I know
That is what I fear the most.

Depression Can Suck The Breath Right Out Of You.

I am a woman with clinical depression. I have no fear of telling people about it or discussing it. If me talking about my situation can help other women (or men for that matter), then talking about it is worth it. Some people may find this strange, but I also talk to my depression. We chat. We argue. We converse. We fight. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I lose. Most of those that are around me frequently know what it is like when my depression and I argue. When it tries to play tricks on my mind. And it is always different. That being said, I find that writing about it helps a lot. And, even outside of this blog, I have found that I am quite good at writing, and I like it a lot. So I will occasionally share some of the writings I have done about my depression. Speaking with my depression. Speaking to my depressive self (yes, I separate that Andrea from the non-depressive one). Speaking about depressive situations.