Category Archives: December 2016

Resolution Run Reflection

1111-2

 

Today was the 2016 Resolution Run. A 4 mile run around Reeds Lake in the windy cold. Now last year I was recovering from a serious bout of the flu and developed bronchitis. So feeling on point today was already one up. However, I decided that I would mainly walk this event and use it to reflect on the past year. So reflecting I did.

2016 was the first year I “multisported”. Two sprint triathlons, a sprint duathlon and an Olympic duathlon. And I am amazed that I started and finished all of those events. And oddly enough it was the Come Clean Duathlon in Lansing that was my favorite and most memorable. I came in dead last. Not even close to the person ahead of me. But it was all the people who competed who cheered me as I ran across the finish line. Who were there and stayed and congratulated me. Who clapped and smiled and recognized me as I was awarded for my persistence and perseverance during the race.

2016 was the year that I upped the ante on my race distance. I was never going to run farther than a 5k. I was told by many that I was wrong. I told them that it was just totally out of the question. And I held off for a bit. And it was when I became a Road Warrior that I decided to try a 10k at the Fifth Third Riverbank Run. And there it was. twice that distance. And it sucked. I am totally not going to lie. Once I hit three miles and began to wonder what it was hat I was thinking. But I finished it.

 

2016 also brought me to the one phrase I was absolutely never going to try out. “Half-Marathon”. I mean, what the hell, right. So, I was signed up, no turning back. Unfortunately I was learning that my calves were not in agreement with my decision around mile 6-7 and would cramp. And they did so during the race as well. I ended up having to walk 7 miles to the finish. I did run across the finish, in pain, with running friends that are always there. And they even stayed with me as both legs seized up and made it difficult for me to walk.

2016 brought me to places other than my running as well. It brought me to the realization that I really do love to write. Not just blog, but write. Poetry, stories. Writing that tells readers of my life. My feelings. My faults. Writing helped me to realize that I got a lot to say. And sometimes words come out better on paper than they do out of my mouth. And they told a lot. Some of what was told was a surprise to some. Some got scared. Many asked questions. And some of those people were myself included. I admitted a lot of things. To cutting when I was in pain. To testing my medication and deciding not to take it. To screaming at the top of my lungs when things got hard. To telling people that for a very long time I had a life plan that was my end. And it was all perfected and planned to every possible outcome.

And most recently 2016 has helped me to realize that I love and care for those around me. I want to help them in their dire times of need. I want to get them to places they cannot get themselves. And I want this because I could not do this for those I loved long ago. But I can help and rescue myself. And in order to go any farther in this life of mine I am going to need rescue me.

 

You see, while it may not all seem like a lot to you, 2016 was the world to me. The changes that came were……..life changing. But they will only have worth if I continue the path. And while I am frustrated daily with the depression and anxiety I have, I would not change any of it. I will continue to talk about my depression, women’s issues, body positivity and positive support. I will always embrace and love those around me who have shown me that I am capable of so much more than I try to tell myself. I will continue to move up and on, daily, without an end in sight. Because for me…….there is no end!

Keep running! Happy New Year!

A

I want.

I want to run. Far, far away where no one knows me.
I want to run. To a place where I can search long and hard.
I want to run. So I can see if I have anything of myself left within me.
I want to run. Find a place where I can let down my guard.

I want to cry. Cry so hard that I can never cry anymore.
I want to cry. So that I can release everything that is hidden within.
I want to cry. To make myself feel good about being vulnerable.
I want to cry. So I can let go of all my sin.

I want to smile. Smile so big that it looks as if I am up to something.
I want to smile. So I can feel the happiness within.
I want to smile. To hide from others what I feel sometimes.
I want to smile. Simply to feel it on my skin.

I want to scream. Scream so loud that I cannot speak for days afterward.
I want to scream. So that I can let everyone who can hear me know my pain.
I want to scream. To let go of all of the swallowed screams from over the years.
I want to scream. So hard and loud I feel as if I have been slain.

I want to laugh. Laugh so hard my nose bleeds and I cannot breathe.
I want to laugh. So that I can feel the intensity of happiness.
I want to laugh. To burn those funny times into my brain.
I want to laugh. I just want to laugh.

I want to hit. Hit someone so hard that they can feel everything they have done wrong to me.
I want to hit. So I can remind myself of my strength on the outside, too.
I want to hit. To show those around me that I will stand up for those I care for.
I want to hit. So all of my hatred can come into clear view.

I want to love. Love myself for me and not for what others see.
I want to love. So that I can show those I care for that I do.
I want to love. So I can feel real and human and not like a machine.
I want to love. To know that I don’t always have to feel blue.

I want to bleed. Bleed so much that it is a relief.
I want to bleed. So that the toxins within can be released.
I want to bleed. Slow and steady and watch it all fade.
I want to bleed. Till all the pain has ceased.

But I cannot scream, or hit, or run or bleed.
I try to smile and laugh and love see the happiness in me.
It is hard, so hard to see the good in me.
It is hard, so hard to see the way out.