Category Archives: August 2017

Don’t Feed The Monster

So, I have been struggling the last month with intermittent depressive and anxiety bouts that have been peeking through. No idea why this is happening, but there have been some pretty concerning moments. There has been talk of a medication increase, of group therapy in conjunction with my meds and individual therapy and even talk about a short committal stint.

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That being said, one thing I have been struggling with lately is this question. How in the world can I be someone who is qualified to help people with addiction issues when I cannot even seem to manage my own life at times? How can I help others calm down, work through struggles, focus and grow when I only want to run and hide?

That little depressive voice in my head likes to tell me these things. How unworthy I am to help these people. How, if they fail it is because I did not do enough to help them through. How I have totally made the most wrong decision in my life about my life. Dear baby Jesus, what have you done? YOU ARE GOING TO SIMPLY RUIN PEOPLE!!!!!!

Negativity sucks, by the way. And this coming from a super pessimistic person. But when I start to question my daily worth, all I am doing is feeding the monster in my head. That is how my psychiatrist explained it. Respond to the monster talk with “yes” or “no” answers then move on.

“Do you really think you are making a difference?”

“YES” 

“Do you really think these people are listening to you?”

“YES”

It never fails that when I have bouts of good days (and even months) that this fucker comes back into my head. Of course, this time it was much more intense. So……..plan……..Refocus, increase medication, continue to do what makes me happy and keep moving forward. Sometimes, I am even happy with simply standing still. Why? Because it isn’t backwards.

Much Love!

 

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Are You Aware?

 

are you aware the shape I am in?

my hands they shake

my head it spins

i am exhausted from trying to be stronger than i feel

trying to stand tall, yet i can only kneel

it hurts, but i am okay

“i am used to it”, i say.

but i haven’t felt alright for a really long time

surrounded by those whom show love and care

yet loneliness is felt almost everywhere

i know the signs and i have a plan

but the longer it takes to feel “right”

the more i am not sure that i can

because behind my smile is a hurting heart

even though i laugh i am falling apart

if you look closely at me

i guarantee you will see

the person i show you is not really me.