You, Yourself, Are No Longer

The thing about depression is that sometimes, in your own head, you turn on yourself. I still struggle with this. I still struggle with the mini that is in my mind that tries to make me question me intents. My worth. My capabilities. But this mini voice is something that keeps me on my toes and allows me to challenge myself. Writing helps me get some of this out of my head and allows me to re-read and remember these times. Because these times have made me. Have changed me. These sad and scary times are, in fact, me.

 

You, Yourself, Are No Longer

There are times when I shut myself up in a cold dark room
The world revolving without the need of me
But what blankets me in it’s falsifying warmth is the gloom
Feeling it fitting to light a match and melt the key

I am unneeded
I am unwanted
I am lacking in effort
I am haunted

Steer clear, my friend as I will absorb you
Pull you in with the glorious mask on my face
You surprisingly look at me and whisper, “who knew”
I smirk at you and respond, “welcome to this dark space”

I need you to feel my pain
I want everyone to see this thick, red, sticky paint
It will encompass you and take over your brain
It is okay….everyone faints

At the sight
At the smell
At the thoughts and memories that fade

You will be forever be changed when I take you
I lied to you and made promises
I covered your face and told you death was coming
I gleefully smiled at your pain and fear

It job is done as are you
You are different now and remember less of your former
The happiness fades and turns to blue
You, yourself, are no longer

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