The Times I Stand Up To You

There are times when it comes
Blackness
Darkness
It is thick and unfocusing
I wonder how I got here
I did everything to keep you at bay

“Ah, you sneaky bastard. You squeezed through somehow again”.

I take note of the day
The time
My prior surroundings

“Okay….do what you gotta do. Just get this shit over with quick.”

I choose to sit rather than stand.
It is better that way
Less chance of being taken by surprise of it all again
Lessons learned from before for sure
My thoughts fade
My memories of it all come into play

“Why the fuck can’t I get away from you? Why can’t you just get the fuck out of my head?”

sigh
I lay back
Stretch out
Find as much comfort in the darkness as I can
The difficult part is trying to not release so much of myself that you take it from me

“No. I have given you enough. You cannot have more. There are others that need me more than you. Others that respect me. Others that care for me. Others that love me.

And even if there was no one else, I have me. You cannot break me again”.

I think about how I missed all the signs
I think about what it was about you that made me change myself when I said I would never do it
I think about all those around me who clued me in to the obviousness that I brushed away because I thought that I was worth nothing more than, well, you

And you were good

You were really fucking good at making me think that
So good that I sometimes wonder still if I am worth more than the limited affection you showed me in return for the immense attention I provided you

I laugh at it all

I cry at it all

I am ashamed at so much of it all

I feel sorry for you

I feel sorry that I gave you so much and it was not enough

I feel sorry that I made you so fucking unhappy when I tried so much fucking harder than you ever did

I’m sorry
I’m sorry that I wasted it all
I’m sorry that you will never see what you did as wrong and hurtful

I’M FUCKING SORRY THAT YOU NEVER FUCKING SAW ME!

“You done in my head, yet, fucker? Cause I got shit to do. You need more? Cause you can try all you want, I am not going to give you shit. And believe me, others have tried. They ain’t getting shit from me either”.

I laugh…..
whisper “this is pathetic”
scream “YOU.ARE.PATHETIC!”

“Let me tell you something. Strength in the mind of someone who shows as much fake confidence as you do doesn’t really mean shit. Me right now, I know what’s up. I get me in the small amount of time that you never even tried. So yeah…..I am fucking happy. No matter how much you wanna creep these “you are not worth it all” thoughts in my head….I am there for myself more than you ever fucking were”.

I sit up
I stand up
I am standing up
Hands out

“What else you got?”

I turn my head
I focus my eyes
I see the open door

softly under my breath “yeah”.

I turn and walk away

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