I Love The Way I Really Fucking Hate You

I never really saw you coming. But before I know it, you had invaded me. Tears. So many tears. For the reasons that deserved them, absolutely. But I thought I was strong. I thought I could handle things. I mean, I had been through worse. But I suppose eventually it was going to be too much. There was guilt. So much guilt. That is what you were there to remind me of. That guilt. You wanted to make sure I never let it go. It was part of me, and I was part of it. Forever. No matter how much I wanted to cut it loose.

I made the decisions that brought you to me. I created the situations that opened up the guilt flood gates. I was careless. I was selfish. I was soulless. I still am. If I had only known it would have lasted, I never would have gone through with it. If only I had learned from the first time. Or the second. If only I had just done what was right.

But the fact is, I did. I did what was right for me. Yeah, the guilt has sewn itself into my skin. It has made itself home within me. Not that it needs to, the memories of those actions are enough. But it is there to stay. Part of me forever. That constant little reminder of what it was like for someone like me to make the toughest decision ever. Three times. And it didn’t get easier after the first. And it didn’t get easier after the second. But is does get easier every day since. But ever day since is also a thought of it. However fleeting it is. The thought of how different things could be. Better? Maybe. Worse? Probably. But you would still be here. In some way, shape or form.

So I will finally concede to you and welcome you. Yeah, keep reminding me. Keep popping up and giving me those really bad days. Keep reminding me to look at those scars on my wrist. Keep your presence known. Because no matter how much I hate you….and I really do hate you……I would not change the fact that I have you in my being. You have helped make me what I am. You have helped me garner strength and resilience. You pull me down when I get too high. And for all that pain, suffering and growth, I thank you.

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