A Conversation With My Depression

I see you there
I can feel you behind me
In the back of my head
I can feel your smirk
Hear the low, deep laughter
I saw you coming
I simply thought I was stronger

(whispers and laughs) but you were not, obviously

So have your way and do as you wish
Make me emotionless
Watch me be weakened

I stare at the blank wall
I can see the sun on the window reflection
I feel unwilling to even try
I feel unwanted at every turn

(whispers) you are worthless in every moment. no one really cares about you

I will not fight you today
I will listen to the things you say
I will let you take my breath away
I will let you treat me like prey

There is no point anymore in fighting
I sometimes wonder if crimson is my color
You trick me into thinking of trying
You have succeeded in the past
But I do not know if I am as strong now as I was then

(whispers) you….. are…… not……

You left me with the scars and marks from the past
I look at them everyday
I feel them every minute
I want to be stronger then you
But I fear you are tearing me down more and more

(whispers) it’s ok to want to give in and end it all, you know. I can help you

But there are things that I need to take care of
There are people I would miss
There are places I have ever been
There are actions I do not want to dismiss

But something always brings me back to you
The reminder that you will always be there

(hisses) yeeesssssssss

And even though I know you are coming
For some reason it is like I do not care

It is like a scene from a horror movie
When the perfect sunny day is overtaken by the brewing storm
The world stands and watches it happen
People looking as the darkness takes form

I hate you more then I could ever imagine
I know why you come and go
I remember the reasons of why you happen
The worst actions that I had ever known
But I can’t ever change the things I did

(whispers) but you can succumb to the feelings of them. quickly. I can show you

It haunts me on a daily basis
I do not need you to remind me
I’ve tried to release it in the lines that bleed
I’ve tried to numb it with the pills that get filled
I know it will always be there
I know you will never let me get away

(whispers) I am attached to you for always

I never realized how empty I was within
I never thought of it all as such a sin
I will always question what was done back then
But changing it is not possible
For the time being I will let go and let you in
I will let you drown me in the memories of what was then
Because without then I would not be here now

(whispers) but I will always be here for you. wherever you are ready

I know
sigh
I, uh…….I know
That is what I fear the most.

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