Living with Severe Depression is no fun day in the park. That big brain of mine tries to get me down. And it wins more often than not during the cold months. I love winter. But mainly because I hate summer. And when it gets dark at like….3pm, I really just want to go home from work and hit the heated hay. However, I work hard in trying to maintain a better outlook than my depressed times. So winter tends to be a struggle.
So, a little background. I was diagnosed with “Severe Depressive Disorder” and “General Anxiety Disorder”. I take medication to help control any recurrences that may come up. However, like many people that are medicated, when I feel good I try to test myself and try one day without medication. Then two days. Then three days and so on. You can see where this is going I am sure. Now, this happens other times as well, not just in the winter. But when my symptoms start to kick in, it is not good. Headache, fatigue, crying over not being able to find my ink pen, sleeping all the time, critiquing myself in every aspect of life, and even plans to end my own life.
But I always go back to the medication. And when it kicks in I feel better. More ready to take it all on. I have always been one that tends to pile too much on to my plate. I tend to worry and take care of every one else and not so much of myself. I am slowly, very slowly, working on changing that aspect of my life. Running and fitness have become a good get away for me. A time to run all my stress out, cry all my stress out, scream at the top of my lungs if I need to. It is my time. Whether it is in the gym or on the road. It is something I MUST do.
I thought after my bariatric surgery my depression would subside. That it was mostly due to the level of dislike I had for myself and what I had become. But it did not go away. If anything it changed and got stronger. Now I was not only dealing with the things in my life that contributed to my depression, but I am also dealing with a new found me I needed to get used to.
So it is hard to get out and exercise. It is hard to get out in the cold and run. It is hard to WANT to go to the gym, or for a swim, or to yoga. It is cold out. I have kitties at home that like to cuddle. I have sleep to try to get. But none of that detoxes my mind from the depressive thoughts that creep in. Okay, maybe the kitties do help. So get out there in the cold, in the rain, in the snow, in the mud. Run it out. Bike away. Swim hard. Release all that tension and toxic thinking that gets you down. You don’t need any of it!
Keep Running! Much Love!