The Ups and Downs of……..Me

How does one stop overwhelming themselves to the point of what seems like exhaustion when they are used to……….doing just that.

I do not sleep much at all. I am up. I am down. My brain is like the traffic in congested cities like Delhi or Bangladesh. There is honking, yelling, stopping, starting, slow, fast. And I can go and go and go like this until I crash. That usually culminates in me either sleeping for 2 days straight, or, more likely, getting sick.

How does one take care of themselves when they feel like doing that very thing is a miscarriage of what they can do otherwise. Clean, work, workout, get daily like requirements completed, shopping, cooking, and so on.

One of my most common statements out loud is, “so……I may have bit off more than I could chew here…..” (Yes, Melissa, I can hear you laughing in a shocking manner. LOL).

Do I generally perform better under pressure? Yes. Do I know how to do just as well when it is not at a level of 1000 every time? I honestly do not think so.

There are so many things that I do within my life that help keep my depression at a level of handle-able. Working out, staying active, racing, triathlons…….adding those into my daily life complicates my daily life. My depression complicates my daily life.


I have never been one to hide the fact that my depression has taken me to some fairly dark places. It seems horrible to some people to hear that, regardless of how they see me and how I act, I have a suicide plan in place. I know how. I know how to make sure all of my affairs are in order. Who will take care of the fur kids. How my finances will be handled.


Many people only see, especially in the wake of deaths of prominent individuals such as Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, the selfishness that is within individuals whom take their own life. It is hard for outsiders to see that we do not see it as selfish. We see it as relieving. We see it as helpful. You see, what we are offering those around us no longer provides sustenance to them. Our participation in life is stagnant. It is not like we do not care for those whom we will be leaving. We simply care too much to continue to be a place marker in life.

Medications help. Therapy helps. Sometimes, however, I feel like such a drain on people when I am in my dark places that continuing to talk more about it only make me feel as if I am more of a problem.

Please understand that many of us know we have people to talk to. We know that there are helplines. Talking with loved ones and friends, however, can just continue to make us feel as if we just continue to take up time that those individuals do not have. We hear you say that you are there. We hear you say that we are not a problem. But our brains tells us otherwise.

My brain tells me that I am fine and do not need medication.

My brain tells me that I make everyone around me worry too much and that it would be easier to no longer make them worry.

My brain tells me whatever I do, no matter how hard I work, I am simply…..not enough. And I never will be.


Depression makes people loose any innocence that they still had within their lives. It hijacks our thoughts and replicates like a virus until we know no different than before being infected. It makes me hate myself for all of the things I cannot do for people. It makes me feel as if I am a perpetual failure and I will never, no matter how hard I work, live up to any expectation that those around me have. It tells me that everyone lies to make me think I am worthy, but the fact is, they just want me to get out of the way.

Yes, I know these are not accurate thoughts. Yes, I know this seems crazy to many of you. But please understand……my brain tells me otherwise.


It has been……..a time.

Good evening. First off, let me apologize for the fact that I have not been active with my blog. Super long stories are some reasons, but the fact of the matter is, I put it on the backburner in order to do other things that are simply, not working out. So I am getting back to the beginning.

My job has taken off with more and different levels of stress. With that, and in an effort to make sure that I do not engulf myself too much in my clients’ emotional struggles, I decided to add some things into my life.

Roller derby…, but the fact is, I was too afraid of hurting myself and not being able to race or participate in triathlons. So with that I decided to help out the local organization in another way and become what is called a “non-skating official”. So, I get to see the action, work some stats, and not get hurt 🙂

My weight training went by the wayside once I started kickboxing. Now THIS is where it is at. Stress relief, sweat session, aggression clearing. It is simply phenomenal. But, the super increase in cardio has decreased my strength training. This will be my next work in progress.

The biggest change was my decision to start working with a triathlon event organization in setting up races, working races, tearing down races and working with people. Now, those of you who know me know that I am not really the biggest people person. On day one I clashed with many people. Enough to make me second guess my decision. But I thought I would give it another try. The second event was much better. But when you don’t sleep for 40 hours, and log approximately 25 miles of steps in one day……….it makes me question a lot about myself ad my abilities.

Today I participated in my 3rd year of the Grand Rapids Triathlon. I had not really trained. I had a new-to-me bike. The swim was difficult, and made me question whether or not duathlons were my thing and not having to do the swim. However, in the end, I realized I need to focus on training. I need to separate myself from work and train, not work more. Would free races have been nice? yep. But how well would I perform if I was either racing one weekend or working another weekend?

Being away from home for 3-4 days at a crack. Sleeping in unfamiliar and uncomfortable places. worrying more about more while I am away than I worry about when I am home. I am not one to commit to things, then back out. However, I have decided to back out. I simply cannot continue to take time off work to…… in a differently stressful environment. It is not a question of whether or not I can hack it, because I can. I simply do not want to and have made the wrong decision in doing so.

On top of all of that there is school for my master’s, still as well. My program at work to be certified and scrutinized by the state. My own counseling to maintain my……life. Family that has been all but pushed by the wayside. The fur crew that sees me less and less and then stares at me with angry eyes that I leave them more and more with the hubs……(he is just not as fun!).

Next week starts a revamping of my life. In an effort to focus more on myself, I chose to focus on other things. My effort failed. However, it did teach me that I cannot fill “holes” the I create in my life every simple time. It is okay to not have anything planned. It is okay to not have to get off the couch in the morning on a rainy weekend. It is okay to not have to always prove myself to other people. I only need to be honest with myself and prove me to………me.

So here’s to everyone trying to figure themselves out. Come join me, will you? Because focusing on me is something I have been trying to not do for many years. Seems fitting that my year of 40 be the one I actually grow up and do me for me.

Much love to you all………you will hear from me more and more.

The Puzzle of My Grey Matter

Many of you who know me well know that I am a very sarcastic, pessimistic person. “Always prepare for the worst……”. I had a psychiatrist describe me one time as a “catastrophizer”. I remember feeling so much more calm that there was a word for my weird and anxious mind.

Lately, however, I am just confused. It is an odd confusion. Like I am trying to find my place within myself but can’t without breaking into pieces of a puzzle. I have good days, but they are few and far between. I have bad days that are most often where my mind sits.

“Am I doing a good job with my clients? If so, why do they fail? Had I missed something? Why didn’t they ask for help? Maybe they did and I just brushed it off.”


“This week there is one day where I can go home after work. Monday, gym, work, derby. Tuesday, gym, work, FAN meeting, Wednesday, gym, work, derby. Thursday, gym, work (court), home. Friday, gym, work (court)…………” By Friday I just don’t know what to do, really. I feel very busy in the most not busy way. I feel frustrated. Overwhelmed.

I think it takes me until Sunday to even get used to being home. Not to say that I am not home, or that I do not take care of the fur kids, but it just feels odd being home. By Sunday there is all the things to do that I should have been doing on Saturday. But I have derby on Sunday mornings and then after I feel like resting.


I am tired in the most awake way. I am mean and rude in the most happy way. But a lot of the time it is like I can hear what I am saying but cannot stop it or change it. I feel like I am “Jonesy” from Stephen King’s Dreamcatcher. There is all of this stuff in my head and all I do is move it around to fit things the best I can. Like a puzzle. I know what I need. What I want. What to say. I just cannot find it. I am not sure any of it is even there anymore…………

Detroit Women’s Half Marathon

Okay, in an effort to fully release my thought process of reliving the Detroit Women’s Half Marathon, I have laid out my entire thoughts and conversations below. So……a peek into my brain. This entire thought process is over the course of 4 hours and 15 minutes, so, calm down. I know I am crazy!

Pinkish is my brain thoughts.

Green is my verbal discussions.

Blue are my actions.

(At start grouping)

Ugh. My tummy is cramping. What the hell. Maybe it will get better. Maybe I am nervous.

Okay, here we go. 13.1 miles. You’ve done it before. It can’t be much worse.

This isn’t bad. Looks like it will be flat. YAY!

It is hot and muggy, ugh.

Oh, my tummy is better. Just nerves.

Crap, I forgot the bug spray. My luck I will get West Nile.

Oh, look. A dead frog. Poor thing.

(checks watch)

Wow, I am on a pretty good pace. I may finish this with a PR.

Another frog. Ugh. Come on frogs!

Shit. Sunscreen. Forgot sunscreen. Ugh, I am gonna be a big lobster tomorrow.

(going along pretty good)

What? Mile 2? That’s it? Ok, that only a little more than 10 miles, or so. I’ve done that before. As long as I don’t cramp.

Oh, people are turning already! Oh, 5k people. Damn.

Where is the shade? Geesh! All these trees and zero shade. I am totally gonna be burnt tomorrow.

Ok, if I don’t die of West Nile, I will probably die of skin cancer.

Wait? Mile 8? Shit. I gotta make it all the way back here to get to mile 8? That is super disappointing.

Still on good pace, though. Ok. Just breathe.

(pain in left foot)

What is that? My foot? What’s that pain? Ugh, okay. Reset. Walk a little. See if it subsides.

Oh, there is the finish. People are finishing already? The hell! Oh, wait, there was a 5k and 10k option. Why didn’t I do the 5k or 10k instead? I could be done, or mostly done. The fuck was I thinking? But then I wouldn’t get that double medal. Fucking medals. Suck people in every time!

(pass Ron the first time)

Ok, my foot is hurting more. This isn’t good.

Mile 5? Okay. 8 more miles. 8! Shit. That’s a lot. Okay, just keep moving.

Oh, here is a lady at a sign. Okay, people turning towards that mile 8 flag. WOOHOO!

Wait, (reads sign) “first loop straight”? STRAIGHT?!?! OMG! I can’t do this!           

Where was that bathroom? It was by mile 8. Maybe I can, you know, run through the part to the bathroom, then come out the other side……. No. Maybe. No.

(thinks of the article on the Mexico Marathon where 2500 people cut the course and got caught)

Ugh. Both my feet hurt. Are they bleeding? I don’t want to know. Just keep moving.

Oh, a timing mat! See, they read the Mexico Marathon article, too. They knew I would want to cut the course to save my life. Well played, Epic Races. Well played.

Okay, keep moving. Gotta be close.

Oh, a med tent. I need medical. There is a table there. Maybe she will let me just lay down for a few minutes. No, if I stop it will be worse.

There is that yacht club place. Getting closer the that mile 8 flag.

(sees people throwing sticks to their dogs in the water)

Oh, puppies playing in the water! I wanna play with puppies! It would be more fun than this. And cooler. But they don’t give medals for puppy play time. Though, they should. I should work on that.

Holy hell my feet are on fire. I have never felt this much pain before. What the hell is the issue? THE SKATES! Those fucking roller derby skates! They have fucked up my feet! That’s it, no more skating. I will not give up running and triathlons for being wobbly on wheels. I am not good on the skates anywho. Nope. Derby is done.

Man, there are a lot of people using the race area for bike riding. I could use a bike. I won der if I can bribe someone to allow me to hitch a ride for a bit.

Okay, let’s be real. You are not going to stop Derby. But, geez! If it is the skates…..*sigh*

I feel like I am gonna pass out. Crap. Okay, you packed a protein bar in the bag. Get that from Ron. He better not have eaten it! My lord, if he did he is going to carry me, damnit!

(Second time passing Ron. Gets protein bar)

Me: “My feet hurt so bad. I don’t think I can finish this. I think I might pass out.”

               Ron: “You’re doing good. Just keep going.”

(Ron starts to follow me along the course)

Me: “What are you doing?”

               Ron: “Well, if you pass out I want to know where you are.”

(back to eating the protein bar)

This thing is gross. But I need to eat it. I will not make it the rest of these 4 miles unless I do.

Me: “My feet hurt so bad.”

              Ron: “I know. Just breathe.”

              Me: “I have never felt pain like this.”

              Ron: “I know. Just breathe.”

(glares at Ron)

Me: “YOU DO NOT KNOW! AND I AM BREATHING!!!”            

I think I may need to take my shoes off. I am afraid. I don’t want to stop. I need to stop. Wait. Is there a cut off time? There better not be a cut off time! But if there is, that is a good reason the stop.

Where is that second loop sign lady? I just need to get to that lady. Keep moving forward. Forward. Am I moving forward? I can’t even tell anymore.

THE LADY! Wait, what is this guy doing? (Guy who works for the race running towards me)

        Dude: “How are you doing? Are you still in the race?”

No, jackass. I am crying and walking in seering feet pain because I am a masochist and enjoy the feeling of my feet feeling like they have been smashed with a sledgehammer.

Me: “Um, yep. I am moving. Not doing good, but still moving.”

                Dude: “Ok, you are getting close to the cut off time.”

HE JUST SAID WHAT????!!!!?????

                Me: “When is the cut off time?”

                Dude: “Noon. But if you hustle I think they will wait for you.”

Hustle? Hustle. Says the guy who drove here to tell me to hustle. Dude, I will throat punch you in a snap second and beat you with my shoes.

Fifteen minutes. 1.5 miles. No way. Running, yes. But not like this. Just keep moving. Fuck that guy.

Me: “There is no way I am going to make it, but I will try.”

I could stop. My feet would thank me. No. Only 1.5 miles. I have made it this far.

This is the longest race of my life.

(Dude 2 pulls slowly beside me in a vehicle)

Dude 2: “How ya doing?”

                Me: “Not good. But I am still upright.”

                Dude 2: “Do you want to stop? I can give you a ride back.”

                Me: “Am I close to the cut off?” (I look at my watch and it is 11:59am)

                Dude 2: “I don’t think there is a cut off.”

                Me: “What? Some asshat back there told me it was noon!!!”

(I make note to begin a plan of attack on Dude 1 after the race!!!)

Dude 2: “Well, I drive the truck that has all the stuff, so they are not going         anywhere if I am here talking to you.”

                Me: “Well, I want to finish if I can. I am almost done.”

                Dude 2: “Ok. Everyone else behind you got taken in. But I will let them know you are still coming.”

                Me: “Thank you.”

Ok. Pick up the pace. Yes, I know you can’t feel anything below your waist, but try.


Hey…..I have not cramped! Holy crap! Bonus!

I see that finish banner. Okay, you can do this. There are still people there. Is the time clock off? Oh, who cares. Screw my time…..just make it to the barrier there and you can run to the finish.

21617809_10155772879408559_7319709908954952077_nI have to run across the finish. Hobble. Crawl. Fuck it…..just make it across the finish.


2017 Come Clean Duathlon

A couple weeks ago I participated in the Come Clean Duathlon in Lansing. This is the second year in a row I have participated in this event. I really enjoy this event. The area and scenery is beautiful, the volunteers and those that work the event are great and everyone that participates is super supportive.

Last year I had my mountain bike. This year I had my road bike. While my overall time was only 2 minutes faster than last year, my overall bike time was 8 minutes faster. I definitely felt more comfortable and enjoyed the race more this year.

Last year I was last. And it was the best I felt at any race that I came in last at. The people, the support, everything was in place to not make me feel like I was a failure. I laughed, joked and had fun with the officers and support staff. This year was no different. They were supportive, welcoming, and overall great people.

The day was perfect. The scenery was amazing. The race….simply……fun.


Don’t Feed The Monster

So, I have been struggling the last month with intermittent depressive and anxiety bouts that have been peeking through. No idea why this is happening, but there have been some pretty concerning moments. There has been talk of a medication increase, of group therapy in conjunction with my meds and individual therapy and even talk about a short committal stint.


That being said, one thing I have been struggling with lately is this question. How in the world can I be someone who is qualified to help people with addiction issues when I cannot even seem to manage my own life at times? How can I help others calm down, work through struggles, focus and grow when I only want to run and hide?

That little depressive voice in my head likes to tell me these things. How unworthy I am to help these people. How, if they fail it is because I did not do enough to help them through. How I have totally made the most wrong decision in my life about my life. Dear baby Jesus, what have you done? YOU ARE GOING TO SIMPLY RUIN PEOPLE!!!!!!

Negativity sucks, by the way. And this coming from a super pessimistic person. But when I start to question my daily worth, all I am doing is feeding the monster in my head. That is how my psychiatrist explained it. Respond to the monster talk with “yes” or “no” answers then move on.

“Do you really think you are making a difference?”


“Do you really think these people are listening to you?”


It never fails that when I have bouts of good days (and even months) that this fucker comes back into my head. Of course, this time it was much more intense. So……..plan……..Refocus, increase medication, continue to do what makes me happy and keep moving forward. Sometimes, I am even happy with simply standing still. Why? Because it isn’t backwards.

Much Love!


Are You Aware?


are you aware the shape I am in?

my hands they shake

my head it spins

i am exhausted from trying to be stronger than i feel

trying to stand tall, yet i can only kneel

it hurts, but i am okay

“i am used to it”, i say.

but i haven’t felt alright for a really long time

surrounded by those whom show love and care

yet loneliness is felt almost everywhere

i know the signs and i have a plan

but the longer it takes to feel “right”

the more i am not sure that i can

because behind my smile is a hurting heart

even though i laugh i am falling apart

if you look closely at me

i guarantee you will see

the person i show you is not really me.

Promises, promises…… Or, When you are no longer you anymore.

While I feel empowered by talking about my depression, about accepting my depression, and about growing from my depression……I utterly despise that part of myself.

Sometimes I honestly think that my pharmacist slips placebo pills into my pill bottles. Occasionally, it’s like my meds simply do not work. Now, there are times when I do not take my medication as I should. Many people whom rely on medication to make them “right” tend to test the theory of whether or not meds are still needed. So when I test it and my symptoms rear THEIR ugly side…… My bad! But when I take them and they don’t work……. Who is to blame?

The past few days have been a constant, non-stop ride on a rickety struggle bus. Anxiety attacks, a “resting” heart rate of 95 bpm, and crying while sitting in a seminar because the room is simply too cold.

My brain, in my opinion, is trying to end me. It’s scary to say, and I’m positive even scarier to read for some of you, but it really is trying. And sometimes, it comes startlingly close to convincing me.

Today, as I drove back to my home I had apparently stopped at a rest stop. Not one of my routine rest stops, an unfamiliar one.  I didn’t sleep. I didn’t get out. I didn’t even shut off the car or take off my seatbelt. Next thing I know, as I “came to” I started crying because I couldn’t even remember driving to where I was. What I could remember was the thought of driving my car into the picnic area until it was stopped by something stronger than the gas pedal. No, there were no people in the picnic area (I’m not that much of a monster). But for how ever long, it just all seemed so right. So simple. So…….. Easy.

Sometimes……. I’m scared. Many times…… I’m scarred. And more and more, I feel as if I am forgetting who I am. More and more the “sometimes” gets closer to “every time”.



A Feel Good Decision

Last week I ran with my run group on Saturday. We are utilizing a new training method, Lydiard Training, which helps to build the legs in longer, slower flat running to create a good base of running before adding in hill training and speed work. It is different, for sure. I have gotten myself into a groove with my interval training of walking and running. However, I was willing to try the change. I decided I would basically forgo all of my previous training with running and try this to see how it made me feel.

Change is difficult. The daunting thought of treadmill running for 45 minutes was definitely a downer. And trying to figure out which running workouts I needed to use for my biking workouts was confusing at first. However, I used Saturday as a way to look at how I was feeling overall. Up until that time my recommended pace to run at was at a walking pace.

I did not end up running as far as was recommended, and I ran faster per mile than it recommended as well. But I realized a few things on this run…….

  1. I was able to run longer periods of time before deciding to walk than I had prior.
  2. I am still not fast, but I feel a lot better after every run overall than I have before.
  3. While I am using this training time to training for the Detroit Women’s Half Marathon, longer distances are simply not for me.

I love running. It has afford me so much since I started 3 years ago. Stress relief, time to process thoughts and emotions, better health and most importantly, amazing friends. But in all honestly, running more than 6 or 7 miles causes feelings of displeasure for the miles after that. I do not want to hate running. And right now, I think that the longer distances have not afforded me enough to want to continue.

I have been going back and forth with the thoughts of this for a while. However, I was still on the fence and able to look at things and tell myself that I was not ready for that decision yet. Now, I am and I feel good about the decision. And this does not mean that I will not look at longer distances in the future, but for now……I am happy!

Much Love!

Superhero Capes

As part of week nine of my online class, I was told to learn more about an individual whom has suffered from bulimia, alcoholism and drug abuse. Glennon Melton Doyle is a popular author and recovering addict. Her Ted Talk video hit home for me very much.

Glennon Melton Doyle0831_SM_GLENNON_271472770510

She used the phrase “Superhero Capes” to describe what we as individuals do to make ourselves look and/or act different. This does not always mean we wear these “capes” for bad reasons. Sometimes they are so we don’t have to explain to people that don’t need to know things. “Superhero capes are what we put over our real selves so that our tender selves don’t have to feel and be hurt”. My cape is purple and green and super flowy!

We all do these things in some way, shape or form. Maybe because we do not know someone well enough yet, so the cape “hides” that which we are not ready to reveal. Or maybe it is because we are around someone we don’t quite trust. For those of us who suffer from addiction, depression, anxiety or anything that we struggle with, these capes are like a warm cozy blanket. No matter how successful others see us, or even how successful that we may be, our capes help us.


Doyle mentioned in her Ted Talk, “I started to feel like a loser in a world that preferred superheros”. So many times our societal expectations set us up to fail. Look this way, feel that way. Feel bad? Take this pill. Suffer from addiction? You’re not alone. Call us! So many things that surround our lives that cause us to think that maybe we are different. Maybe we do feel bad.

However, the fact is, we are all who we are. Whether you choose to open yourself up, or close yourself off. Whether you are a cat person or a dog person. A writer, a storyteller, a magic maker. Who cares. The only one that it should fully matter to is you. If you are unhappy, search for your happy. It may not always be there. May not always be visible. You happy may even be wearing its own cape. But find it.


Doyle also quotes another beautiful writer, Brene Brown, in saying, “Courage is to tell  the story of who you are with your own heart”. Your own heart. You know who you are. Who you want to be. And while there may be people around you who think you should be something or someone else, realize that may be their cape showing, or may be their true selves.


Much Love