How does one stop overwhelming themselves to the point of what seems like exhaustion when they are used to……….doing just that.
I do not sleep much at all. I am up. I am down. My brain is like the traffic in congested cities like Delhi or Bangladesh. There is honking, yelling, stopping, starting, slow, fast. And I can go and go and go like this until I crash. That usually culminates in me either sleeping for 2 days straight, or, more likely, getting sick.
How does one take care of themselves when they feel like doing that very thing is a miscarriage of what they can do otherwise. Clean, work, workout, get daily like requirements completed, shopping, cooking, and so on.
One of my most common statements out loud is, “so……I may have bit off more than I could chew here…..” (Yes, Melissa, I can hear you laughing in a shocking manner. LOL).
Do I generally perform better under pressure? Yes. Do I know how to do just as well when it is not at a level of 1000 every time? I honestly do not think so.
There are so many things that I do within my life that help keep my depression at a level of handle-able. Working out, staying active, racing, triathlons…….adding those into my daily life complicates my daily life. My depression complicates my daily life.
I have never been one to hide the fact that my depression has taken me to some fairly dark places. It seems horrible to some people to hear that, regardless of how they see me and how I act, I have a suicide plan in place. I know how. I know how to make sure all of my affairs are in order. Who will take care of the fur kids. How my finances will be handled.
Many people only see, especially in the wake of deaths of prominent individuals such as Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, the selfishness that is within individuals whom take their own life. It is hard for outsiders to see that we do not see it as selfish. We see it as relieving. We see it as helpful. You see, what we are offering those around us no longer provides sustenance to them. Our participation in life is stagnant. It is not like we do not care for those whom we will be leaving. We simply care too much to continue to be a place marker in life.
Medications help. Therapy helps. Sometimes, however, I feel like such a drain on people when I am in my dark places that continuing to talk more about it only make me feel as if I am more of a problem.
Please understand that many of us know we have people to talk to. We know that there are helplines. Talking with loved ones and friends, however, can just continue to make us feel as if we just continue to take up time that those individuals do not have. We hear you say that you are there. We hear you say that we are not a problem. But our brains tells us otherwise.
My brain tells me that I am fine and do not need medication.
My brain tells me that I make everyone around me worry too much and that it would be easier to no longer make them worry.
My brain tells me whatever I do, no matter how hard I work, I am simply…..not enough. And I never will be.
Depression makes people loose any innocence that they still had within their lives. It hijacks our thoughts and replicates like a virus until we know no different than before being infected. It makes me hate myself for all of the things I cannot do for people. It makes me feel as if I am a perpetual failure and I will never, no matter how hard I work, live up to any expectation that those around me have. It tells me that everyone lies to make me think I am worthy, but the fact is, they just want me to get out of the way.
Yes, I know these are not accurate thoughts. Yes, I know this seems crazy to many of you. But please understand……my brain tells me otherwise.